I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
