Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
