why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
sarcasm needs its own font
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
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