I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
