Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
