I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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