i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
