Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
