like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Randomize
