Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
