just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
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