I'm gonna have a badass scar
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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