I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
