im six kinds of drunk right now
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
