Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
