she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
