Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
