Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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