True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I can feel your judgement through the phone
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
