At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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