Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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