im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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