There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
