im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
