I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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