DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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