Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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