im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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