my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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