Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize