If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
