My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize