So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
