New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
