You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
