I hate all girls vehemently.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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