I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
