There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
sex in a hospital.. check
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
