he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
