He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
