currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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