I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
try to milk me bitch
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
