haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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