We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
