She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
