so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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