I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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