He uses pillows to masturbate.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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