Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
