I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
