that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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