If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
